I had the weirdest dream last night.

Last night I dreamt that due to my recent reclusiveness, I would go for a walk in the mid afternoon. I had gone about a block when I turned a corner around a house with a white picket fence. I heard a car pull up in the road next to me, but ignored the man yelling at me from the rolled-down window. I was too deep in thought to be distracted. The car then pulled into the driveway at the end of the picket fence, intentionally blocking my path. That's when I realized: It was a police car.

The man opened the door and stomped one large rubber onto the cement, then the other, in what seemed to be a very intentionally aggressive way. He yelled, "What are you doing?!" at me. I, surprised to be in such unwanted confrontation, tried to avoid him by crossing the street. As I took one stop onto the grass between the sidewalk and street, the officer whipped out his taser. I took a quick breath in to beg the policeman not to shoot me, but it was too late. I was on the ground, writhing in electric pain.

He came over to me, picked me up by the color of my coat and held me up against the picket fence, which only came up to the middle of my back. "I asked you a question!" he barked at me. He pushed me hard into the fence, bruising my back.

"Je ne sais pas," I started. "Qu'est-ce que vous voulez?" I asked, realizing quickly that I could only speak to the officer in French. He then asked me my name, but for some reason, my brain wasn't comprehending English at this point. "Je ne comprend pas," I yelled as he through me in the back of his cop car.

The next thing I knew, I was at the local jailhouse (which I toured once before in middle school). It obviously hadn't changed a bit. I realize shortly that I understand English once again. A woman approached me in the foyer and handed me a pile of drab, white clothing. To my dismay, she ordered me to change into it, for I was not allowed to wear anything else.

Shortly thereafter, I found myself within a cell that looks as if it is more for a mental hospital than a jail. There is one thick glass wall that allowed me to look out and everyone on the other side to see in, much like the reptile house at the zoo. I was surrounded by three other white walls, seated on a bed that extended between each of the walls. Across the room was the glass door. The next thing I knew, there were two guards holding me down on the bed which had turned into cold metal as the same woman who handed me the pile of white clothes shaved my head.

I began to cry as I realized that a number of people I care about were outside of my cell, playing games. They clearly knew I was there but refused to look into my cell or formally take notice to me. I didn't bother to yell for their attention, because I knew they would have tried to help me if they truly cared. Instead, I simply sat on my bed, curled up in my ugly clothing with my new, patchy haircut watching them.

Awfully depressing, isn't it? That's where my dream ended.

My 25 before 25 list.

I was on the blog Stuff Christians Like the other day, when I read Jon's article about his "40 before 40 list." I've decided to do one of my own here.

My 25 before 25

1. Run a half marathon.

2. Read all of C.S. Lewis' works.

3. Live in a community of believers.

4. Take dance lessons.

5. Publish a national article.

6. Write a novel.

7. Have a blog with a body of loyal followers.

8. Perform in a play.

9. Perform in a musical exhibition of some fashion.

10. Learn to speak French fluently.

11. Visit France.

12. Visit Australia and New Zealand.

13. Go on a mission trip.

14. Spend a forever-increasing amount of time with God.

15. Experience financial freedom and independence.

16. Lead someone to Christ.

17. Eat a consistently healthy diet with boundaries.

18. Establish a steady and constant exercise routine.

19. Learn American Sign Language.

20. Be placed on some sort of "Best Dressed" list.

21. Find a church body that I can experience fellowship and grow in Christ.

22. Graduate with a GPA over 3.6.

23. Learn to make clothing with a sewing machine.

24. Design and create an article of clothing that someone wants to purchase.

25. Read the entire Bible and memorize an entire book.

Little things.

I'm reading a book right now by Kazuo Ishiguro called Never Let Me Go. I definitely would not suggest this book to people who are not into downbeat, slow-moving artistic literature. As I am not one of those people, I think it is pretty fabulous so far. My favorite aspect of the book is how the author presents everything so subtlety. There was one point in the story yesterday, though, where I felt a strong tug at my heart while reading.

The incident was presented simply enough: the main character, Kathy, caught her best friend, Ruth, in a lie and was looking for the most ideal way to expose her. Then, when the time comes for the confrontation, her best friend's response startled me a bit. Ruth closed up, on the verge of tears.

Being tied so well to Kathy, our responses were similar: surprise. I took a moment to think about why I felt so taken aback by the situation. It came to me: I often behave like the Kathy, seeking justice above reconciliation. Here is the narrator's revelation:

"All this effort, all this planning, just to upset my dearest friend. (60)"

It seems so simple, but I am Kathy. I, on occasion, carefully plan and gather evidence, just to lay a trap with no intent but to hurt someone dear to me. Such a simple statement threw an incredible revelation in my own face. I front my behavior with words like "justice," but in reality, it's simply depravity. The only thing I hope to get out of exposing others lies or poor behavior is vengeance.

Then, what happens when my trap succeeds to catch its prey? I feel terrible, realizing the prey's companionship is far more important to me than filling some humanistic void in my heart.

It's ugly, isn't it? When I put it out there like that, my heart doesn't look so clean. But that's what I learn from. This is also the reason I'm an English major. I live for these tiny moments in literature that provide insights into my own heart.

Fruit of the Spirit #9

". . . the greatest of these is love"

Oh, love. L'amour. What is love? (Baby don't hurt me)

Love is patient, love is kind.

Love is... cliché?

Everyone is aware that "love" is one of the most used and abused words in the English language. Perhaps up there with "like?" What is true love, though? How truly great is the Father's love for us?

For us to love, we must have first known the One who initiated love. And what a better expression of love than sending His one and only begotten, unique son to this planet to die the most horrific death imaginable? Was he out of his mind? To me, it can sure seem that way. I am so small and unworthy to receive the most incredible act of love ever expressed in the history of love stories.

This is a bigger deal than Bella and Edward, Romeo and Juliet, Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy, and even Mickey and Minnie. His love is huge. Beyond our spectrum of understanding for the word itself. We are loved.

We are loved.

I am loved.

You are loved.

We are beloved.

Now, we must love.

I must love.

You must love.

Desire love this holiday season.

Fruit of the Spirit #8

What is goodness?

Is it a state of action? Is it a state of being?

I think goodness is a progressive state of action. Goodness is similar to kindness, but much less passive. Goodness is going out of the way to do the right thing, even when under opposition.

Romans 15:14 "Now I myself am confident concerning you, my brethren, that you also are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, able also to admonish one another."

Hmmm. Interesting. Paul places goodness near knowledge and admonition in his series of compliments. So, how are Christians to be good? I think it has a lot to know with acting and pursuing truth and an attitude of goodness and by being knowledgeable, passing on that knowledge to one another.

Desire goodness this holiday season.

Fruit of the Spirit #7

Good-natured
Easygoing
Nice
Tender
Lighthearted
Egalitarian

Here is my funny story about creating this anagram:
I was going along, letter by letter, thinking of aspects of gentleness. When I got to the second "E" the only word that came to my mind was "Egalitarian." Honestly, I didn't even know what this word meant at the time. So, I looked it up. Here is what my dictionary says:

adjective
of, relating to, or believing in the principle that all people are equal and deserve equal rights and opportunities.

At first, I was confused as to why my mind was only coming up with this seemingly foreign word, but after serious consideration, I think that a pure gentleness values equality in a way. How could the tender, kindhearted man think any differently than to value the equality of each person God intricately designed put in motion?

Desire gentleness this holiday season. Also, Egalitarianism?

Fruit of the Spirit #6

Unknown to me the reason
for the vacant forbearance
this fair holiday season.

Values seeming imbalanced.
How greed has taken a hold
and from Christians, sufferance.

As I watch the month unfold
I ask God for deliverance
for His people to be bold.

Desire forbearance this holiday season.

Fruit of the Spirit #5

"And let the peace of God rule your hearts..." Colossians 3:15

I must admit, I have hardly ever seen a better parallel of God's incredible peace than in the completion of a semester. Knowing at the beginning everything that needed to be completed, I felt overwhelmed with stress, which didn't let up very often. At times, I was unsure if I would ever make it. Of course I knew in my head I would have to, but it still seemed next to impossible at times. By God's immeasurable grace, though, I made it. I'm at the other end. I've found peace.

The funny thing about peace is that it often comes at the end. The end of a project, the end of a day, even the end of a life. In the end, that is where humans usually find their peace. Then, must I pursue an end? I don't believe so. I am called to live as if the tomorrow is the end- as if every minute could be my last here. Knowing then, that the next breathe is unsure, shouldn't there be peace? Yes.

God calls me to live in his peace. His peace, which can only be found by knowing him better. He is outside of "beginning and end." God has no end, no beginning, just existence. In him, there is perfect peace.

Desire peace this holiday season.

Covetry and Christmas, right?

I'm following a brief train of thought instead of writing about the Fruit of the Spirit today, I hope you don't mind. These thoughts came to me today during our Christmas caroling chapel this morning:

Christians frequently count their monetary gain as blessing from the Lord. Up to today, so have I. Of course, money is a great blessing that we can hardly survive without. Oddly enough, though, I wonder if the devil doesn't also use his forces to provide monetarily to Christians. That crafty viper plants green seeds of greed. When we see these "blessing," often we think we have the right to hoard the money that God gave to us, right?

If, however, I were to truly live by the philosophy that it all belongs to God, I'm sure he would put my money to better use. What if he wanted to use it in other ways? I think many Christians are scared to trust God with their money. It's one thing that God can trust us with, right?

Today, I've been thinking about what life would look like with a little less greed.

Desire freedom from greed this holiday season.

Fruit of the Spirit #4

Joy to the world. The Lord is come.

Joy is not a surface level.
Joy cannot be found in darkness.
Joy does not exist apart from knowing the Lord.
Joy itself is one of the most extravagant, marvelous, and breathtaking experiences.

I must search deeper than the surface, flee from darkness, and know the Lord better. Then, I can experience joy to its fullest extent. Plain and simple.

Joy.

Desire joy this holiday season.

Fruit of the Spirit #3

Great is thy faithfulness. Holy and unchanging. You are consistent in a world without consistency. You are steadfast in a world of betrayal. Great is thy faithfulness!

In my quest to bear the qualities of my Father, faithfulness is one I feel blessed to possess toward others and toward God. Just the other day, on may way home from an outing for my job, a close friend of mine and I were talking. She told me that she admired my loyalty and consistency toward her and other friends.

It had been a long time since I had reflected on how well I display faithfulness to my friends. Apparently, I was doing a decent enough job to be recognized. When talking more with her, I realized that loyalty and faithfulness are some of my top qualities. I put my love for others before my selfishness and try (almost harder than I do at anything else) to be faithful to them.

Similarly, I have recently been focusing a more excessive amount of time on my relationship with my Father (doing these Fruit of the Spirit blogs, more consistent devotionals, reading from my "Bible in a Year"). Faithfulness is an expression of devotion and love. Each day, I try my best to remember two things:

1. Be faithful to the Lord.
2. Be faithful to my brothers and sisters.

Desire faithfulness this holiday season.

Fruit of the Spirit #2

A story of kindness:

As every student bustles about struggling to finish their final papers and projects, stress levels are higher than any other time of the semester. I, too, was on edge last night, praying for deliverance from anxiety. Through a friend's simple act of kindness, God provided.

My friend, Jon, noticed me working in the lobby of his dorm on his way out to the store. When he returned, he had two bags full of candy in his hands. He approached me and offered the candies he knew I liked the best. This random act materialized kindness for me, the second fruit I have been meditating on.

Jon's kindness led to a sense of relief and freedom from the anxiety. God sent him to me in a moment of stress as a representation of His love.

Desire kindness this holiday season.

Fruit of the Spirit #1

Over the next few days, I plan to meditate on the fruit of the spirit. One a day for eight days. Here is the first.

Desire

Sagacity
Excellency
Limitations
Faithfulness
-
Composure
Obedient
Necessity
Tact
Rationality
Order
Liberty

this holiday season.

The leg warmers of the internet.

People who were alive in the 80s occasionally remind me of leg warmers. Apparently, a decade before my birth, it was actually stylish to garnish oneself with what looked like a tube sock missing its bottom half. In a similar way, current tweenage girls find it "fashionable" to wear short shorts with winter boots. Oddly enough, this trend seems equally as impractical as a sock that doesn't keep your feet warm.

I'm always pretty happy to see trends like these buried deep within the archives of fashion history never to be heard from again (hopefully). Recently, our campus fell ill with an obsession that started much faster than those ugly boots with the fur. It developed into what I like to think of as "the leg warmers of the internet." The fad was the website likealittle. Its name seems innocent, right? Wrong. This little guy had razor sharp fangs. And talons.

Likealittle's premise is to provide students at a particular university, in this case Indiana Wesleyan, the opportunity to anonymously express their thoughts about others. A constant stream of notes flow from anonymous senders to make a "wall" of comments. This is how it works:

1. A person makes the decision to publicly post an internet comment about another person in the room.
2. He or she goes to likealittle's IWU page.
3. This individual selects the location in which he or she is currently located (along with their unsuspecting victim).
4. The person then selects the hair color and sex of his or her victim.
5. They disregard dignity, integrity, respect, and whatever other qualities they are normally expected to uphold to anonymously (and often vulgarly) express an opinion about his or her victim.

Sounds harmless, right? It wasn't. Needless to say, IWU rightfully blocked this website in less than 24 hours after its inception.

I was shocked at the number of students who took to Facebook in defense of their "violated right to free speech," or the "way we are always treated like children." Well, you know what IWU students, you acted like children. Of course, the content was far too mature for most children's eyes, but regardless, most of those posts were immature, vulgar, and disrespectful. It made me honestly question the dignity of the students with whom I live. Perhaps if we did not want to be treated like children, we should hold ourselves to a higher standard.

Another lesson I learned from this experience, whether others did or not, was the dangers of anonymity. Online, people will say far more than they would about one another to their faces. When you throw in anonymity to that, there is no end to human depravity. The entire situation is just sad. This is yet another indicator of why we do have such strict rules and regulations in place on our campus, because with even the slightest bit of what some call "freedom," many of us loose what everyone else calls "dignity."

Good bye, likealittle. I hope leg warmers make a return from the grave before you do. Good riddance.

Sidewalk X-ing

Our eyes meet. She doesn’t know who I am, and I don’t know her either. We’ve passed each other a couple times on our way to class, never bothering to further our relationship. Today, however, is a special day. Our paths are crossing--literally.

We break eye contact. I speed up in order to reach our point of intersection before she does, attempting to avoid any potential collisions. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her doing the same.

“Okay, I’ve got to assert my authority in this situation. I sped up first,” I thought. I continue walking, quickening my pace even more. I notice her speeding up, too. In about a three seconds there is going to be a major collision just off of Elder and Noggle.

“I can’t back down, it is her responsibility to slow down. I have the right of way,” I thought. A split second before an impact of epic proportions, I slightly tilt my upper body, and mutter, “Excuse me,” with a nod.

She smiles politely from less than a foot away, her face slightly blurred due to the closeness of our encounter. I smiled to myself as I continued on my path. I had avoided the seemingly inevitable accident, and asserted my sidewalk authority.

Christmas Morning

Around holidays, Americans tend to adopt three mindsets. Some swoon over the quaint decorations and nostalgically embrace snow-laden pastimes. More high-strung people approach Christmas with a competitive mindset. They live for the stress and thrill of Black Friday shopping, only feeling fulfilled if they have successfully pried the most wanted toy of the season out from the bludgeoned hands of a weaker shopper in a survival-of-the-fittest sense of holiday cheer.






I experience Christmas in an entirely different way. I feel a twinge of disgust in my gut each time I see a temporarily psychopathic shopaholic on a mission or a house that is just as bright at night as it is during the day. I struggle to snuff out my fiery cynicism. The few things I do like about Christmas--vacation, family, and love--often seem to be at the bottom of most people’s “Wish List.” Either way, I brace myself for a bitter cold, occasionally nauseatingly nostalgic, time. By “brace,” I mean complain and utterly suffer to the point of extinction.






Even though the first weekend in November is not known for its appalling weather or garish manifestations of Christmas spirit, my residence hall felt the need hang shimmering tinsels, sparkling lights, and tacky ornamental balls around our lobby at 2:30 a.m. in order to surprise the residents. Due to the deadly combination of a holiday-hating heart, a long day, and Halloween having just ended, I was a little irritated. The cherry on top of this already soggy, undercooked cake was the music being piped through the lobby’s scratchy stereo system. The lineup included songs about a rose-nosed forest creature, an implausible man made of snow, and a small child whose barefoot mother is dying of cancer.
My thought process went a little like this:

“Why the HECK am I awake right now?”

“I hate these ornaments.”

“I hate these freaking songs!”

“I have no holiday spirit.”

“This is simply an omen of the deathly cold to come.”




And that was how my dorm burned down.